*(Not valid in Alaska, Hawaii or France. Full-proof is a matter of opinion so don't come crying to me. For those underage please substitute any advice involving age-restricted substances with the age appropriate alternatives.)
Now to start us off a quote from my good friend Harrison Ford, which has nothing to do with the topic at hand, I just really love him.
"Am I grumpy? I might be. But I think maybe sometimes it's misinterpreted. "
Step 1: The Pit
Being rejected is similar to being pushed backwards into a pit filled with sharp pointy sticks and poisonous snakes. First, the immediate pain of a sharp stick imbedded in your spleen. You are pretty sure it will kill you and how could it not? Isn't a spleen important? But the longer you lay there, bleeding out, you realize it's probably only a flesh wound and you should stop crying because someone is bound to walk by and laugh at you.
So you stand up and that's when you notice the snakes, those stupid, slithering, malformations of nature. Then they start biting you just like the little shitheads they are and before you know it you are sobbing again, but this time it is not about the pain. It is about your absolute failure at life; the cookies you tried to make but forgot to put in the flour, the boy you sent the note to and the check mark next to 'No' that was sent back, your inability to make decisions, the terrifying possibility that you will be living under a bridge, in a box, within the year because you decided to get a Liberal Arts education. Soon the only thing you can think to do is stab yourself repeatedly in the brain with a stick, hoping that eventually the evil thoughts will fade away into pink fluffy clouds of nothingness.
This is step one. The worst step, because in your mind it goes on forever. However, stabbing yourself in the brain is not an option. My favorite way to handle this stage is to calmly and methodically stab each snake that is saying mean things. Then after building a ladder out of pokey sticks and using the snakes as rope, climb out and move on to stage 2.
Stage 2: The Awkward (Non)Engagement
Now if you managed to make it out of Stage 1 without anyone seeing your puffy, tear streaked face do not congratulate yourself. Because you are not out of the woods by a long shot. This next stage involves public humiliation and answering lots of awkward questions. This is because you stupidly told close to a million people about it and it is now your job to retell the story of your failure over and over and over again.
That's is why Stage 2 is called the Awkward (Non)Engagement. For example, you tell everyone that your boyfriend it going to propose, because he tells you he is taking you out for a nice dinner. However, you have been misreading all the 'signs' and he breaks up with you over the appetizers leaving you with the check. You hide in your house and hope that it never comes up, but since you told everybody, even the people you never talk to on Facebook, people are bound to be curious. The more you tell the story, the more fantastical it gets until he was a drunken cross-dresser who hit you on holidays and thankfully you dodged that bullet.
Stage 3: Your Delusions Know No Bounds
This stage can go many different ways. From pretending your life is a musical to drinking a whole bottle of wine in one sitting. Usually you tell yourself that anything you do in this stage is going to make you feel better. If you are prone to singing; you will most likely start belting out your favorite 'pick-me-up' songs in very public places. Other options can include simple things like watching countless episodes of cheesy sci-fi shows or a sudden interest in online shopping for shoes. These habits are gateway drugs for more self-destructive acts. If you keep saying how 'okay' you are while your voice gets higher and higher, or if spill your innermost thoughts to strangers on the bus asking repeatedly, "Why doesn't he love me", as your mascara runs down your cheeks, be warned. Hide the scissors or you might give yourself an impromptu hair cut to give life meaning again.
This stage is very important because this is where we see the first signs of intervention. Your friends at this point will either use duck tape to silence you or pull your tear-soaked body off the couch and into natural sunlight. I have found that it is important to get out of this stage as quickly as possible. Otherwise you may never recover and instead spend the rest of your life quoting Hallmark original movies.
Stage 4: The Nuclear Bomb With a Hidden Timer
Now comes the violence. You have been stewing in self-loathing and fantasies for too long and now it is time to bring on the hatred. Like a nuclear bomb with a hidden timer it is never clear when you will explode, but something will set you off and people will hear the screaming two countries away.
It could start off with you telling everyone that you are submitting something to a literary journal and then getting a rejection letter. Suddenly all topics even distantly related to writing are taboo and if someone dares mentions anything involving words you turn into a half-crazed wildebeest who goes in for the kill at the slightest provocation.
A friend, who is completely oblivious, simply mentions, ""I was reading a book recently..."
Me (in wildebeest mode): "OH WERE YOU! YOU UNFEELING BITCH!! (commence face ripping) HOW DARE YOU BE SO UNFEELING TOWARDS MY FEELINGS!!! DO I NEED YOU TO REMIND ME THAT I AM A FAILURE?!?! NO!! DIE! DIE! DIE! I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD AND YOU ARE MY SMELLY SOCKS.
Step 5: The Enlightenment (Minus the Science Part)
This final step is one of creativity and progress. After releasing all the bad toxins into the air you finally have clarity of thought and an ability to put things in perspective i.e., you were too busy to be in the play, you were not really madly in love with him, and there are plenty more literary journals in the world to submit to.
You apologize to the friends you mauled along the way and throw yourself passionately into a new project. For instance, writing a blog post about inane things like rejection or researching the migration patterns of wildebeests.
Some people might never get to this enlightened state of well being and that's okay because that's what Eminem songs are for.
