Brainy thoughts

Old thoughts: I think dinosaurs and people all lived together happily back in the good old days and humans were mega advanced in science and they saw the giant crazy asteroid coming and started building cool ships only the persons building the ships got the door size all wrong so the dinosaurs couldn't fit (they were too big) and the humans were sad but were just like 'whoops' and they all went up in their ships and let the asteroid (meteorite?) kill all the dinosaurs and destroy the planet and they just chilled in space for awhile (time moves differently up there) and when they thought it was safe they landed and breathed in all the toxic gases left by the asteroid/meteorite and de-evolved to cave people. Yup.

Love thoughts: I love my cat and my cat loves me because we can just sit in silence. Like we don't always need to be talking and the silences aren't even awkward like most silences. He can sit in one chair and I sit in another and we just like to be near each other. I am pretty sure that is the definition of love; non awkward silences. And he doesn't mind when I watch him sleep. He's not like 'stop that's weird' = more love. And I buy him stuff. If you love someone buy them stuff to show them cause it is physical proof. And everybody likes proof of everything.

Fun thoughts: People who play games like Harry Potter Clue and scattergories are cool not lame.

HP thoughts: Everyone should read them cause they teach you important stuff. For instance; the guy you like is macking on another girl: attack him using small animals, you don't like your teacher; run away from school on a badass vehicle like a broomstick (or motorcycle if you were unfortunate enough to grow up a muggle), rely on your smart and creative friends for everything and take all the credit, create cool illegal clubs where you hex people and have no adult supervision and could seriously harm each other.

Sleep thoughts: Everyone should sleep. Because it's comfy and helps brain faculties. But before you sleep always kiss your kitty goodnight, because he loves you and you love him.

Dying in a Foreign Country

It has come to my attention that I am going to perish from this cough. It would be impossible for one to feel this awful and then not keel over. Or at least that is my logic. Thankfully if I do die, I have been informed that my insurance will get my body back to the states. How comforting. There are not many things that make me wish I was home but being sick is one of them just because it is impossible to find drugs here that work. I have bought THREE different cold and cough remedies and they have all been equally useless. When I was sitting on the tube a women sitting next to me got up and sat at the other end of the car because I was coughing. I feel like a walking bio-hazard.

Oh, How I Love a Good List

Things checked off my London bucket list: 
•Watch so much amazing theatre; Les Miz, The Lion In Winter, The Pitman Painters, Noises Off (and hopefully much more to come)
• Become a master of the underground, to the point of riding, while standing, without holding on, and not crashing into people when it stops. Boom.
• Spend time with old friends and get to know lots of new amazing people. • Go to Bath, obsess about Jane Austen.
• Succeed in keeping some sort of travel writing document (I write things down in 5 different places but at least I am writing)

Surprises (nice):
• Continental breakfast!!!!! I will never get tired of croissants, meat and cheese. Never. 
• Hearing so many different languages in one place. Makes me feel...worldly. 
• Getting into the practically sold out Leonardo da Vinci exhibit. Truly a once in a lifetime experience. 

Surprises (not so nice):
• Getting stupidly sick which lead to two nose bleeds which lead to me freaking out and thinking I was dying which lead to everyone thinking I was silly.
• Spending money like there is no tomorrow ... but everything is so expensive and I looovvvveeee to shop.
• Theatres not giving out programs or even cast lists, you have to pay anywhere from £4-8 for a program.
• Getting separated from my group on the tube, but I was awesome and found my way back.

Hopefully still to come:
• Hedgehogs!!!!!!!!!!!! In Hyde Park. Please please please!
• Much much much more theatre

Sorry this is really random but I have been sick

Went to Hyde park and saw Peter Pan. Of course it was not actually Peter Pan, just a statue situated next to the water, surrounded by ducks and pigeons.

 I wrote a small story about a squirrel named sprout who is friends with an old man named Ralph and they save a baby hedgehog together. Quite adorable if I do say so myself. Then when we were heading back to the hotel I saw something pokey on the ground and of course had to pick it up, I brought it close up to my face and then regretted it because it looked like the skin of a hedgehog. There were hundreds on the ground though so we decided they were weird seeds from a tree and not a massive hedgehog grave. 

I still don't have the appliances worked out. The lights turned off in the shower this morning and since there isn't a light switch I had no idea what I was supposed to do, so I just showered in the dark, which was super creepy. I thought I was going to get murdered, but I didn't.

We are on our way to Dover and then Canterbury cathedral.

Intersting facts from our tour guide and other things I have found out:
-If a young girl in kent sleeps with hops under her pillow she will dream of the man she will marry.  
-Essex is the Jersey Shore of London.
-Charles dickens wanted to be buried in Rochester cathedral but queen Elizabeth brought his body to be buried in Westminster Abbey because she thought he was too important a writer.
-They plant trees on the edges of fields to protect the crops from winds up from the see.
-The traffic lights go both ways. Green to yellow to red, to stop and red to yellow to green, to go. A little confusing.
-There has been such mild weather here that roses are already blooming and bulbs are coming up.      
-They have roundabouts here but you go around the opposite way, so crazy. 

We watched 13 yesterday which was a very interesting look at politics and religion. Kind of creepy and depressing in a way but left you thinking for a really long time after. I think what i have decided is It's important to believe in something.

We just left Dover Castle. We went to the beach first and looked over at France which was awesome. Then we went up to the castle and went through a guided tour of the tunnels beneath the village that were used during the war. The tour was really interactive with lots of footage from the war and sounds of war. The tunnels were full of graffiti, the oldest that has been found was "Mary Ford 1807".

We learned a lot about the evacuation of Dunkirk which I had never heard of before. Over 400,000 troupes were trapped on a beach in France surrounded on all sides by the enemy. The British thought they would only be able to save 45,000 men but they rounded up as many boats as possible and ended up saving over 348,000 men.

For a Few Dollars More

I got separated from my group on the tube yesterday. I jumped on and the doors closed right behind me. It was pretty obvious that I had just been abandoned and this guy kept looking at me and chuckling. It wouldn't have been that big of deal but I hadn't been listening to where we were going. So I just rode the tube four stops back to Lancaster Gate and walked back to the hotel. I wasn't mugged or murdered or anything. It was nice.

Yesterday we saw our first musical, Blood Brothers. It was the weirdest mix of genres ever and I couldn't tell if they were making fun of themselves or taking it seriously. It was pretty entertaining, but I am confused as to how it is one of he longest running musicals. There was this really intense melodramatic song about superstitionsn that was hilarious;

SHOES UPON THE TABLE AN' A SPIDER'S BEEN KILLED.
SOMEONE BROKE THE LOOKIN' GLASS
A FULL MOON SHININ' AN' THE SALT'S BEEN SPILLED.
YOU'RE WALKIN' ON THE PAVEMENT CRACKS
DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GONNA COME TO PASS.
NOW Y' KNOW THE DEVIL'S GOT YOUR NUMBER,
Y' KNOW HE'S GONNA FIND Y',
Y' KNOW HE'S RIGHT BEHIND Y',
HE'S STARIN' THROUGH YOUR WINDOWS
HE'S CREEPING DOWN THE HALL.

And everytime the narrator would sing it was super dramatic and the lighting would go all weird. I am glad I saw it but probably wouldn't see it again, but their voices were amazing. Today we are off to the national gallery to see the Leonardo da Vinci exhibit that is supposedly a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yay!!

Don't blame me for grammar issues I wrote this on my phone

Is there anything more beautiful than a sunrise from a plane? A sea of light lavender blue with tops of dark pink and peaks of white. It was almost worth not sleeping just so I could be awake to see the first glimpse of sun. It was nice to see since it will probably by cloudy and cold in London when we land. Not that I mind. If I was freezing for the rest of my life I would be happy. If I never had to touch another human or feel the warmth of a heater I would be happy.

Flying in coach is similar to getting squashed into a sardine tin and then placed in a 500 degree oven. There is no escape from physical contact. Scooch to the left or right, rock forward or back there is always something to obstruct true comfort. This perpetual state of queasiness is made worse by the fact that we had to walk by the 'world coach' flyers who recline for the entire trip, don't have to touch anyone else and all have window seats. I would give my right arm for a window seat. And both my arms to be flying in first class. And it would also be nice I they supplied amaretto sours and sleep medication. All I had was a Heineken and an eye mask to send me off to a fitful 20 minute nap and then to be woken abruptly when the passenger next to me stirred and touched my arm. Ewwww gross gross gross heat! Will I ever be cold again.

I contemplated stripping in my seat but I feel that such drastic measures would result in me being thrown off the plane. Most likely without a parachute. Plan for the flight home: go naked or get upgraded to first class. Not sure which one is more likely. Or maybe they could just strap me to the top like a Christmas tree or a snowboard. It can't hurt to ask, the worst they could say is no. I discovered a fabulous new song Icarus by Bastille. Not conducive to sleeping but good to rock out to. Of course rocking out on a plane is ill-advised.

A bollywood dance would really liven things up right now. People dancing and singing up the isles. I would like that better than the boring hoards of people with their mouth hanging open. Stupid people able to sleep when I am awake. We will arrive in London at 11:25 in the morning, meaning a whole afternoon where I will be expected to act like a human being after sleeping only 20 minutes. We will see.

People are very interesting when they have their mouth hanging open.  The girl to my right has some amazing rings. One is a panther head encrusted with  black stones. It takes up half her finger. The other is a ball of clear glass with red swirls. It looks like a marble placed on top of a band. She is probably crazy though since it took her 3 hours to take off her giant puffy coat and I had stripped down to my tank top within 3 minutes.

One of our male flight attendants (is there a special name for them) has a tattoo on his arm. If he can be a flight attendant I am sure I could be since I am cheerful and awesome and love planes. Also I am pretty sure I would be fabulous at pointing out the emergency exits. I wonder if I could be a flight attendant on a British airways even though I am not British? Something to look into. I hope I get to sit next to someone I like on the way back. Ahhh, a Mumford and Sons song excellent to get me in he mood for a spot of fake British breakfast on a too hot crowded plane. "You did not think when you sent me to he breeeeaaaaakkkk!" Maybe I should try to sleep. Not going to happen.

The spit has formed webs in the corner of my neighbor's mouth. It reminds me of the entrance to a haunted house. All it is missing is fangs and some spiders. I guess that's what you get for sleeping with your mouth open. The tattooed mans name is Michael,  he seems nice.  All I can think about as we stay in a holding pattern in turbulence (70 mph winds) is the scene in died hard 2 when the BRITISH plane crashes into the Tarmac with the evil general going "we've got you. We've got you". Not comforting. Fighting air sickness. Ugghhh. Such an awful feeling. 

I couldn't sleep. I went to bed at 7:30 (19:30London time) because I was so tired and woke up at 5 this morning. Pretended to sleep for another hour and then gave up. It is amazing how many people are up and about walking the streets. A giant CLEAN truck came down the street and pulled right onto the sidewalk to unload bags of laundry.

The entry hall of our hotel is still decorated for Christmas. Lots of gold shiny fabric and giant red balls hang from the ceiling and a tree sits in the corner. I fully support any culture that lets Christmas cheer spread into the new year. There is a church right across the street from us with red doors and giant old fashioned windows. It is situated between a Royal Food and Wine and a Perrrfect Paws. Everything here makes me smile. On our block there are also two laundry mats, two pubs and a German YMCA.

I have already visited The Swan an The Mitre, both fabulous pubs. I like The Mitre best. It was filled with dark wood paneling and red leather. There was a fireplace in the corner and lots of locals. People even brought their dogs in. Jesse and I petted a cute jack russel terrier that practically jumped into her lap. I am trying my hardest to not be a gaping, giggling tourist, but everything amazes and excites me.

We are going on a double decker bus tour today and I am sure I will take about a million pictures. Breakfast was amazing. Croissants, warm baguettes, meat, cheese, hardboiled eggs, toast, cereal, fruit. Everything was delicious.

The 5 Steps of Rejection

Recently I auditioned for a part in a play and was not cast. Instead of lolling about in misery and regret I decided to put my extensive knowledge of rejection to use. So here is my full-proof 5 step plan to get over just about anything.

*(Not valid in Alaska, Hawaii or France. Full-proof is a matter of opinion so don't come crying to me. For those underage please substitute any advice involving age-restricted substances with the age appropriate alternatives.) 

Now to start us off a quote from my good friend Harrison Ford, which has nothing to do with the topic at hand, I just really love him.
        "Am I grumpy? I might be. But I think maybe sometimes it's misinterpreted. "

Step 1: The Pit

Being rejected is similar to being pushed backwards into a pit filled with sharp pointy sticks and poisonous snakes. First, the immediate pain of a sharp stick imbedded in your spleen. You are pretty sure it will kill you and how could it not? Isn't a spleen important? But the longer you lay there, bleeding out, you realize it's probably only a flesh wound and you should stop crying because someone is bound to walk by and laugh at you.

So you stand up and that's when you notice the snakes, those stupid, slithering, malformations of nature. Then they start biting you just like the little shitheads they are and before you know it you are sobbing again, but this time it is not about the pain. It is about your absolute failure at life; the cookies you tried to make but forgot to put in the flour, the boy you sent the note to and the check mark next to 'No' that was sent back, your inability to make decisions, the terrifying possibility that you will be living under a bridge, in a box, within the year because you decided to get a Liberal Arts education. Soon the only thing you can think to do is stab yourself repeatedly in the brain with a stick, hoping that eventually the evil thoughts will fade away into pink fluffy clouds of nothingness.

This is step one. The worst step, because in your mind it goes on forever. However, stabbing yourself in the brain is not an option. My favorite way to handle this stage is to calmly and methodically stab each snake that is saying mean things. Then after building a ladder out of pokey sticks and using the snakes as rope, climb out and move on to stage 2.

Stage 2: The Awkward (Non)Engagement

Now if you managed to make it out of Stage 1 without anyone seeing your puffy, tear streaked face do not congratulate yourself. Because you are not out of the woods by a long shot. This next stage involves public humiliation and answering lots of awkward questions. This is because you stupidly told close to a million people about it and it is now your job to retell the story of your failure over and over and over again.

That's is why Stage 2 is called the Awkward (Non)Engagement. For example, you tell everyone that your boyfriend it going to propose, because he tells you he is taking you out for a nice dinner. However, you have been misreading all the 'signs' and he breaks up with you over the appetizers leaving you with the check. You hide in your house and hope that it never comes up, but since you told everybody, even the people you never talk to on Facebook, people are bound to be curious. The more you tell the story, the more fantastical it gets until he was a drunken cross-dresser who hit you on holidays and thankfully you dodged that bullet.  

Stage 3: Your Delusions Know No Bounds 

This stage can go many different ways. From pretending your life is a musical to drinking a whole bottle of wine in one sitting. Usually you tell yourself that anything you do in this stage is going to make you feel better. If you are prone to singing; you will most likely start belting out your favorite 'pick-me-up' songs in very public places. Other options can include simple things like watching countless episodes of cheesy sci-fi shows or a sudden interest in online shopping for shoes. These habits are gateway drugs for more self-destructive acts. If you keep saying how 'okay' you are while your voice gets higher and higher, or if spill your innermost thoughts to strangers on the bus asking repeatedly, "Why doesn't he love me", as your mascara runs down your cheeks, be warned. Hide the scissors or you might give yourself an impromptu hair cut to give life meaning again. 

This stage is very important because this is where we see the first signs of intervention. Your friends at this point will either use duck tape to silence you or pull your tear-soaked body off the couch and into natural sunlight. I have found that it is important to get out of this stage as quickly as possible. Otherwise you may never recover and instead spend the rest of your life quoting Hallmark original movies.

Stage 4: The Nuclear Bomb With a Hidden Timer 

Now comes the violence. You have been stewing in self-loathing and fantasies for too long and now it is time to bring on the hatred. Like a nuclear bomb with a hidden timer it is never clear when you will explode, but something will set you off and people will hear the screaming two countries away.

It could start off with you telling everyone that you are submitting something to a literary journal and then getting a rejection letter. Suddenly all topics even distantly related to writing are taboo and if someone dares mentions anything involving words you turn into a half-crazed wildebeest who goes in for the kill at the slightest provocation.














A friend, who is completely oblivious, simply mentions, ""I was reading a book recently..."

Me (in wildebeest mode): "OH WERE YOU! YOU UNFEELING BITCH!! (commence face ripping) HOW DARE YOU BE SO UNFEELING TOWARDS MY FEELINGS!!! DO I NEED YOU TO REMIND ME THAT I AM A FAILURE?!?! NO!! DIE! DIE! DIE! I AM THE KING OF THE WORLD AND YOU ARE MY SMELLY SOCKS.

Step 5: The Enlightenment (Minus the Science Part)

This final step is one of creativity and progress. After releasing all the bad toxins into the air you finally have clarity of thought and an ability to put things in perspective i.e., you were too busy to be in the play, you were not really madly in love with him, and there are plenty more literary journals in the world to submit to.

You apologize to the friends you mauled along the way and throw yourself passionately into a new project. For instance, writing a blog post about inane things like rejection or researching the migration patterns of wildebeests.

Some people might never get to this enlightened state of well being and that's okay because that's what Eminem songs are for.